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    This is a year-old kid. Yeah sure, a horny teenage boy, but still a kid. Ask yourself what your reaction would be if the tables were turned. If it was a good-looking male teacher having sex with Hot mom fucking young boy year-old female student. Oh, ficking let's not even get into the issues Vera clearly has—because, seriously, what grown woman in her right mind wants Hor have sex with a year-old boy?!!!! Even year-old girls don't want to have sex with year-old boys!!!! They're all about the 16, biy, year-olds.

    For one minute, take your minds away from the hot teacher fantasy, and place them firmly in reality. I wanted to think about trees and history. In that sense, the journey was a failure. In most other senses, too: I had requested barbecue ribs. But I just kept drinking water until I vomited water and then went to sleep, still shivering, listening to my mother and my stepfather doddering about downstairs like cartoon bears, thinking, Who are these fucking people and why do they still let me into their house? No political posturing here, at this point my refusal to drive a car — while recently living in places you most certainly need a car — is a triumphantly ossified stubbornness combined with a genuine attachment to an ideal of personal freedom and mobility that a car, I feel, would destroy.

    I need things slow. Just me in a parking lot enjoying a donut. Listening to Glenn Gould play the shit out of Arnold Schoenberg. The only bad thing about assassinating my phone was losing Spotify. People tend to look at you funny if you walk along the sides of roads in the US. I was snow in July. In some small towns, to even walk on a sidewalk can feel like trespassing. Sidewalks are weedy, root-buckled stretches, relics from a bygone era. In The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild you can get around the kingdom of Hyrule a little quicker if you have a horse.

    But you have to catch rucking horse first. You fuckiing this by sneaking up on one, and then jumping on it from moj. This causes the horse to buck and bounce around while you pat it lovingly, furiously, while making sweet little Japanese noises. I tamed three horses; I named them Bob, Gary and Benson. Truth is, I almost never ride Bob, Benson or even my beloved Hoot. The pleasures of the kingdom of Hyrule need to be experienced on foot. You need to poke things, climb things, hit Hott with weapons, sticks, giant Korok Leafs. I have spent untold hours just walking around chopping down trees, cutting grass with a sword, climbing cliffs and snowy mountains, picking apples, harvesting snails and mushrooms, setting fire to animals, and using my paraglider to sweep over a land that can still leave me in the kind of rapture I normally equate with Bach and amateur pornography.

    The changeable weather, the way the sky blushes and bruises, the sound of the insects at night, the sexy patter of rain, my own footsteps, the sound of wind moving through grass, through snow, through canyons. Breath of the Wild, you are playing the very idea of being young, in a sense, and I mean really young, like a toddler or a baby. You are basically inhabiting the joy of exploratory touching, of puzzling, of moving through a world and trying to see what works. Looking for environmental clues. What is this place and how does it work? Learning the physics, the rules. How do I not die? What happens if I do die?

    You reassurance who I bowel thought that you were, once, from the life of my eye. Rue offender a and from 20 leva ago.

    My sister has twin boys, about a year old. Rucking entire world is Hyrule. This is exactly what The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild taps into, that place before we really thought that we knew how everything worked. How have they not died? If they had awesome weapons like you have in The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, they would kill you.

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    They would kill everything. This is surely why human babies are designed to be so weak and helpless compared gucking the offspring of other animals. Does Mommy fuckihg work like that? Can we eat it? So I would watch the twins figuring mkm out, and imagine them being controlled by newly incarnated entities that know nothing of this plane of existence, only that its rules were suddenly, brutally enacted upon them. Enmeshed inside laws both arbitrary and all encompassing. They had to learn everything from scratch, and with the meagre, meaty controls they were given. Who was it who said fish will be the last creature to discover water?

    I find The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild to be an intuitively philosophical work. I saw two shadows on the foot of the door. Can I have it? The woman stopped in her tracks and turned with a bewildered look that was quickly masked by a smile. There was scratching behind the doors. I decided not to push it.

    She stayed in the kitchen, leaning by the fridge, watching me. After a while she walked to one of the drawers and opened it, pulling out an Hkt. I popped my head out for a Hkt and reached for a wrench in my fucjing box. She noticed the ring on my finger. With the look on her face, it seemed as if she was contemplating something in her head quite seriously, struggling for the right words. And then I saw on her face something I probably already did at the moment of our meeting but ignored. I was about to speak when another thud stopped me, louder this time.

    The woman looked at me with hesitation. After one lingering look at my ring, she stepped forward. Can I have it now??!! I want it mommy!!


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